Translate This Page To: Spanish German French Italian Portuguese Norwegian Brought to you From FreeTranslation.com Give a gift in honor of this child. Joanne UPDATE: 3-12-08 I know its been a while. I'm sorry about that! I'm gonna start trying to be more consistent in updating. Bravenet is just inconvenient to use. Maybe I should go back to using CB... I dunno! lol... I've been very busy. Life is full and fun and sometimes I hope it lets me forget my concerns and worries. But somehow, they just come back to haunt you at quieter moments. For a start, I really really don't know what I wanna do with my life. I'm really at the crossroads now. A whole lot sooner than I expected to be. But in a way, I should be glad for it. I was starting to question and second guess myself. At the same time, I found myself loosing my confidence in myself. Loosing my will to learn and better myself, all because I just started feeling like I couldn't do it. Funny how self confidence can make such a big difference. I just felt like I wasn't good enough, and like I was simply in the wrong place for me. Thats why I love the arts. Its a place where I feel secure and safe and where I feel like I'm someone and that I'm capable of doing something. Its a place where I get to forget myself and become a different person. It seems to be where my abilities lie. Where I don't struggle. Its a natural flow process and it just seems like its a part of me. I feel so passionate about it and I simply love it. I wish my love was something more profitable! I don't know WHAT to do now. I don't know what my next move should be! Should I keep at it? Keep trying? People always tell me that I can do anything I set my mind to. But is this it? Can I really do this? I feel like I'm such a failure! Is there a way to turn failure into success? I don't know! I don't know HOW to be better. And sometimes I think that maybe I'm just not interested in the things that I'm working on. That could be the whole problem. I hope that something comes along that just makes me go "Thats it! Thats the thing for me!" But in the meantime, gotta keep slogging along at it I guess... UPDATE:12-6-07 Hey guys, Life has been a BLUR! Full of nothing but rehearsals and performances! Not that I'm complaining cos that is absolutely the LIFE that everyone should have... but I'm exhausted! lol... This Sat is yet another performance and I hope I'll be able to get that sarong tied! I'm quite confused about that still. lol... Not to mention that I'm still memorizing the words. Vocal lessons are coming along great! And yes... Grace rules man! She has these really simple ways for you to get what she's talking about. Compared to stuff like "Imagine there is a hole at the back of your neck" Now tell me... how exactly am I supposed to imagine that??? hahahaha! So I'm having a ton of fun. Sure gives you something to look forward to at the end of a long work week and I'm grateful for that. Now if only music and theatre could rule my life... hehehe... Sometimes it feels like you work during the day to support your passion during the nights and weekends. I'm surprised that no one in my house has complained about the weird sounds coming outta my room at night. hehe! Thats about all I've had time for. I wanna go back for dance class, but I don't see where I'm gonna find the time, energy or moola to do that at the moment... so we'll see how that goes. I don't think my joints are gonna take that too well either. haha... But well, guess you never know till you try. I think we have found a good combination of meds for me so I'm pretty functional and running all around Singapore. I'm totally pleased about that! Ok time for bed. I promise I'll update again sooner! UPDATE: 10-31-07 Hey guys! I haven't written in ages! I'm getting sloppy! Haha! Well, not really. I've just been so so exhausted! Mentally and physically. This new job is taking a lot out of me. Don't get me wrong, its not the hours nor the workload. I can handle that. Its the mental pressure that I'm going though. The need to prove myself. That in itself is a very very tiring experience. I feel like I have very high standards to live up to and the fear of not being able to reach that is very very real. I've really missed writing in here, but I've just been so tired that I've gone right to bed every night. I haven't slept that early in a LONG time. I miss all of you on here, but right now, I really don't have much of a choice. Lemme see what I can update you guys on... oh! I'm writing... well... trying to write a 15min musical for the Singapore Arts Festival next year. Fingers crossed that it will get chosen! What else have I been doing... oh! I've been going for the Main Wayang rehearsals. HAha... yes, I'm getting back to my roots again. The Peranakan culture is a really colourful one! My joints are driving me crazy and I'm back to taking the diclofenac 3x a day in order to function. I actually managed to cut that down for a while. I wish I could take the methadone during the day, but it makes me woosy and unable to function well, so that is definately not a good idea. Hope these joints start behaving themselves! They keep slipping outta the socket and its driving me CRAZY. Oh well... thats that! Gotta go to bed now... you guys take care. I'm gonna watch some tv! Leave me a note if you stopped by yah? UPDATE: 10-10-07 Hey guys I haven't written in such a LONG time! lol... sorry about that. There has been way too much happening in my life. But 1st things 1st... I need your help. If you have any ideas about a storyline I can use in writing a 15min musical, do let me know ok? Its the latest project that I'm working on. I think it sounds like a fun one! But I really need to get down to some hardcore writing. I've been so busy. My joints are going insane again. I think it just goes through periods where it will do this. I just have to live with that! *sigh* Its just so frustrating! Everything is frustrating. Oh! I started my new job. Its been ok so far. Really different from my last one, but I'm enjoying the ride. Did I mention I love actually having work to do? lol... Despite how crazy it can get. But I think I like the pace of it all. And I am learning so much. So thats good right? Ok I'm sorry this is short, but I gotta get to bed. I'll write more soon! UPDATE: 9-20-07 Hey guys, Sorry for the long silence. Lots going on over here. I think right now I'm standing at the crossroads in my life. I'm not quite sure what I want to do next. I'm not even sure about what industry I want to work in. Similarly, I'm not even sure which continent I want to go to to continue studying. Its all 1 big mess in my mind. You'd think that at this age, you'd have more purpose and direction. But lemme tell you, that is so untrue. I went to university unsure about what I wanted to do with my life. After graduation, I realized that it was the wrong course for me. I struggled the whole way through! Then I started working. And after 1 yr, I'm not sure if its the industry I should be in. Will I be able to succeed? Do I even like what I do? Am I still interested?! I don't know! I'm starting to ask myself all these questions now. And its a scary scary time! Yes, I still have my dream. Working in the theatre. I think that dream will always stay with me. And yet I know that it is impossible. I can only do theatre after I am done with my day job. But what do I want to do in the day? I don't know! Its almost like I keep my day job just so that I can feed myself. Being able to do what I love in the evenings gets me through the day. Do you know what I mean? Oh well, enough of my confusion for you guys. lol... I guess when you're my age, anything is possible and the sky is the limit. I guess only time will tell what path I travel down. I think its so important to love what you're doing. People tell me "oh, its just a job." But to me, I have to love what I do or I will never be a success. And I know I have what it takes to be a success. I just have to find the right thing for me. UPDATE: 8-23-07 Hey guys! Guess where I spent most of my morning? Yeah! In the toilet! I was puking and having diarrhea the WHOLE morning. And my tummy hurt so bad that I was about to cry! But i think its better now! I hope... *cross fingers* As long as it stays this way, I won't have to head down to the doctor... UGH... I keep seeing the GP and I bet she is SO sick of seeing my face but lately things just keep happening! Thank goodness the office covers the medical bills... I've realised that when I hurt at night, I start scratching myself for some weird reason. And I end up with a ton of scratch marks and long lines on my arms when I wake up. You'd think that the dog scratched me or something! Isn't that like weird? Anyway, went to watch the King and I last night and it was pretty good. The theatre was pretty empty though. I liked the kids. They were local and soooo cute! Louie on the other hand was wearing braces and for the life of me, I couldn't understand a WORD that he was saying! I think it was the braces... but honestly, WHY choose a boy who is wearing braces?? He had a nice singing voice, but the talking and words were just lost on me. Next up... Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?? It sounds quite nonsensical! But I've been told that its actually a good show! Hmmm... I'll think about it. The tickets aren't cheap! The Lyrica seems to be helping! I think I just need to take it more than once a day. Its sure expensive though! And I don't think they have generics just yet... so bwt that and the methadone... I'm broke! Sheesh... Private patient medical bills are just a tad too high for me to handle. I had to get my dad to help me pay for the meds cos I can't fork out 200+ bucks for them! I don't earn THAT much you know... Ok... I gotta go. I think the tummy is acting up again. Its churning! I dunno what on earth is wrong with it! Take care you all! UPDATE: 8-8-07 Hey guys! I'm happily sitting here with my cup of boost for lunch! Australians out there should know what it is! But for the rest of you, Boost is a juice bar. They sell terrific smoothies! I got a strawberry one for lunch today. Its good stuff! Fills you up too! And I got a durian chiffon to supplement my lunch so I think I'm all set! I hope... heh... Anyway, I wasn't feeling too good this morning so I wasn't at work. Only after sleeping the morning away did I start feeling better! So I got outta the house and made it to work. Haha. Well, at least I made it right?? The weekend was exhausting. I was out almost the whole of sat and sun. I think thats what caused today's crash. You think? much as i love being out and about, the body is not able to handle that. Which absolutely sucks! I never know if I'm up to keeping after-work appts. Sigh... which is why I hate making dinner appts on weekdays. But sometimes you really wanna go out so badly like everyone else! Anyway, I've still been having night tummy pains and body pains. But I went to the GP and she started me on orphenadrine and librex. I think there's something in the librex thats putting me to bed pretty good! Hahaha! I've been sleeping soundly every night since they started me on that. Dunno if its good to keep taking it though. I see the docs on wed so I guess I'll ask them then. This week is a short week cos its national day on Thursday. So Happy National Day everyone! UPDATE: 7-25-07 Hey guys! I think I'm in a major fibro flare! And its really not nice. The meds don't see m to help the massive body aches I get. Went to the GP and got some meds that I hope will help! Orphenadrine and Librax. Sigh. They had really better work! I was hoping she'd give some muscle relaxants and thats what I got. I've been spasming badly. I think next time I go to see the pain management docs, I shall ask for more muscle relaxants! Prob need some on a regular basis. Its funny how GPs only give you 5 days of meds. As if you're definately getting better in 5 days. Esp with chronic conditions like this! Which reminds me... does anyone have the latest Harry Potter book to lend me?? $45 bucks on a book is slightly beyond my budget! So someone pleaseeeeeee be nice??? And that reminds me... I need to get a new medical bracelet. *sigh* Mine is a little outta date. I know this site that is offering the 2nd one at a low price. That sounds good! Pity they don't seem to have local places selling them! Okok... I need to make a move. This entry has taken me FOREVER to write! Hehehe! Oh! I'm supposed to leave you with a quote! "Character gets you out of bed; commitment moves you to action .Faith, hope, and discipline Enable you to follow through to completion." by Zig Zigla. People ask me how I keep going on despite everything that happens. Well, thats how! Hehe... Of course I'm human and sometimes I get down and discouraged just like everyone else. But you have to just pick yourself up and keep plugging on! Thats it for now! Take care guys! And if you too have a chronic illness, let me know! Even though I know I'm not alone, it feels good to be reminded! UPDATE: 7-18-07 Hey guys, It has struck me how incredibly long it is taking me to recover this time round. Usually by a few weeks after I get outta the hospital, I start going back to baseline. This time, I still can't eat most solid foods! Can be so utterly frustrating when I'm craving for a steak! Hehe... I want a hogs breath steak! With a mudpie... ok... I can have the mudpie... thats some small consolation! I'm hurting bad today. It hurts all over. I don't think my doctors quite get that. Its not just my tummy. My joints and muscles all scream for attention. He seems to think that I can stop taking meds if he gets rid of the tummy pain! Which reminds me... they're pushing for the spinal cord stimulator again. Its not that I'm scared of surgery or anything like that. Its just that I've heard so many terrible stories about the stimulator and I'm just not ready to take that plunge. And besides, you gotta change the batteries every 8-10 yrs! I can't imagine constant surgery! YIKERS! And I've also heard about how the trials work much better than when its actually implanted. Oh well... They also talked to me about a pain pump. But I dunno... sigh... I don't like the idea of a machine inside of me. I think its partly the weather and the aircon thats contributing to me hurting this much. That and the fact that i'm sitting on this chair not moving much. Doesn't help yah? I do constant stretching. But it still aches away. Grrrrrr... at least meds take the edge off the pain. So at least I function relatively well. Abraham Lincoln once said that "And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." Don't you find that so true? So I think you should live your life to the fullest and don't let having a chronic illness stop you from doing what you wanna do. Don't you think so? UPDATE: 7-11-07 Hey guys! Sorry, I know its been a long time since I've updated. But you know... when you don't feel too good, you just don't wanna do anything! Not even come on here. I've been spending my days at home just sleeping mostly. Resting. This is my last week of medical leave off from work. I shan't lie and say that I'm glad about that. Going back to work is going to be hard. But I guess it has to happen sooner or later! We went all the way to SGH today only to find that the appt for today got changed without us being notified. How annoying right?? We wasted all that time driving there and back! Well, my next appt is on Wed now. Thats with pain management. I still need to ask about cymbalta or lyrica. The fibro aches and pain are quite getting to me lately. Especially when it rains and stuff. Which has been happening here lately. Well, I'm gonna stop here. I know this is short, but I just don't feel like writing too much today. Seeya guys! UPDATE: 6-27-07 Hey guys You know, I've been having sleepless nights cos of the tummy pain. Somehow the 15mg of methadone don't seem to be doing their thing. The doctors will not increase the dose anymore cos its apparently quite a high dose as it is right now. Especially since I'm not eating much. I guess they don't want the dose to tear up my stomach. Isn't that a scary thought?!? Meds which can cause you even more problems instead of solving the problem! So while I lie awake at night, my brain starts to think. I'm 24 now. I sure pray that none of these problems are progressive. I mean, if things are like that now, whats gonna happen as I get older? The thought is scary. *shudder* I'm still supposed to be on medical leave but i'm in the office. Gotta start building up stamina so that when I have to work proper, I'll have the energy to do it! And besides... I don't think its too good to stay outta the office for so long. You won't believe how much has changed since I've been away! People come and people leave. Shows you what life is like. Constantly changing. And if you don't change along with it, you get left behind. Anyway, I wanna try cymbalta or lyrica to see if that will help with the fibro pain. Something has to help it! The pain is ridiculous and sitting here is hurting me so bad! My other meds are making me sleepy too so I'm fighting the sleep bug here. My childhood friend is getting married on sat and it makes me think. I've been so caught up in all this health business that I don't even have a boyfriend! Haha... it took away so many years of my life and I don't plan to let it take away anymore. Ok... I'm tired and my mind is stoned out. So I'm gonna leave you with some pictures from my recent hospy stay. lol... UPDATE: 6-21-07 Hey guys I'm still stuck in the hospital. *huge sigh* Not that thats gonna change anytime soon... heh... well, I hope I'll have better news to report the next time i write! I got my picc line put in yesterday and that was a scary experience! I honestly think I wasn't quite prepared for how the whole thing went. But I'm SO RELIEVED that I'm not being poked anymore. Boy did that hurt! So now I have like a double lumen thing. One red and one blue. hahaha... not my fav colours! What else... hmmm... I took myself off the iv fentanyl. That thing is like useless to me! Weird huh? Believe it or not... it does absolutely NOTHING for me. So I'm back on the shots for now till the pain team comes tomorrow and figures something out. The good thing is... I'm licking honey and sucking on sweets now. Nothing much i know, but hey, its a START! lol... I've got a really bad infection on my arm that made me really sick. And I mean like REALLY sick. The fevers were horrible! In fact, I still have a fever, but i think its just a mild one now and I'm definitely more alive and awake today than I've been in days! Ok... thats all for now... I pray I get out soon, I'm getting really sick and tired of this place. And very bored staying in bed all day. My roommates have changed at least twice since i got here and its depressing! lol... take care guys and I'll try to write if anything changes yah UPDATE: 5-23-07 Hey guys I'm still stuck in the hospital. *huge sigh* Not that thats gonna change anytime soon... heh... well, I hope I'll have better news to report the next time i write! I got my picc line put in yesterday and that was a scary experience! I honestly think I wasn't quite prepared for how the whole thing went. But I'm SO RELIEVED that I'm not being poked anymore. Boy did that hurt! So now I have like a double lumen thing. One red and one blue. hahaha... not my fav colours! What else... hmmm... I took myself off the iv fentanyl. That thing is like useless to me! Weird huh? Believe it or not... it does absolutely NOTHING for me. So I'm back on the shots for now till the pain team comes tomorrow and figures something out. The good thing is... I'm licking honey and sucking on sweets now. Nothing much i know, but hey, its a START! lol... I've got a really bad infection on my arm that made me really sick. And I mean like REALLY sick. The fevers were horrible! In fact, I still have a fever, but i think its just a mild one now and I'm definitely more alive and awake today than I've been in days! Ok... thats all for now... I pray I get out soon, I'm getting really sick and tired of this place. And very bored staying in bed all day. My roommates have changed at least twice since i got here and its depressing! lol... take care guys and I'll try to write if anything changes yah? UPDATE: 5-16-07 Hey guys! I'm sitting here typing this with Eunice sitting next to me. Haha... Feels weird having someone here while I'm blogging! Hehe... I just got connected to a pain pump thing-a-mgic which is apparantly infusing Fentanyl. And from what I read, its not a pretty medication! Its supposed to be going in continuously. But I don't feel anything YET. Haha... The start button on this weird machine is blinking so i wonder if that means you're supposed to press it to get the thing working! Haha... Looks strange too. There's like this syringe on top of the machine and I guess the medication is inside. The machine controls the speed of the medication going in so I won't get overdosed on the medication. Please PRAY it works good cos I really could do with the pain relief. Can you believe my veins are like so dead? lol... The doctor took FOREVER to find this one and if this dies... I have no idea how they're gonna find another vein. With the pain medication going in that way too, best that this vein doesn't die yah? Its not hurting that much yet so thats a good thing. The pain could be from the potassium that they added to the iv cos I haven't been eating at all. So in short, if you're praying for me, please pray that the pain eases soon and that my tummy will start accepting food and water so that I can get my butt outta here and HOME! Too many exciting stuff coming up in my life that I don't exactly wanna miss... you get the idea yah? Okok... thats it from me for now! Seeya guys and take care! UPDATE: 5-9-07 I REALLY have to start working on that musical of mine. With all that has been going on, it has taken a backseat. But with deadlines all coming up, some solid work has to be done. Sigh... I've just been so TIRED! I don't know why! I think its physical and emotional tiredness. My emotions have been kicked into overdrive lately and dealing with them is indeed exhausting. I just long for night where I can sink into bed. The bed never felt better! I'm probably gonna be accused of being lazy again, but trust me, you have no idea the kinda tiredness that I experience. And I NEVER seem to feel refreshed the next morning! So its a vicious cycle. I shall leave you with a quote I live by. " To be successful, you must decide exactly what you want to accomplish, then resolve to pay the price to get it." -Bunker Hunt. Thats my life. Everything I want to do comes with a price to pay. To do something today means that I may not be able to do something else tomorrow. To push myself now means that I might be sick or in bed tomorrow. So all my days are carefully measured and all my spoons are carefully spread out. So please understand when I suddenly cancel on you. Its not that I don't want to go I just can't. My life has to be so carefully planned so that I can achieve what I need to in life. And please understand that my goals may not be the same as yours. To you, success may be winning a biathlon or going partying every night. To me, success is being able to go to work every single day looking like I'm perfectly healthy. Please understand the price that I have to pay to be able to do that and understand my limitations for it. Ok... I've got me Boost here and boy am I happy. lol... Please pray for my tummy. Have you gathered why I'm drinking Boost? Nutrition but nice tasting and its liquid! Goes down easily. *sigh* Please please pray for my tummy. Its not doing so good. My joints are still dislocating too! I got this new Ebene brace and it seems to work pretty good on my ankles! I thought of getting the knee ones too! Hehe... recommended by my auntie! UPDATE: 4-25-07 Hey guys! I'm home from Australia! Probably a lot fatter! lol... I got to meet Charisse! But I didn't have my camera with me. So I'm waiting for her to send me the photos so that I can post them here! We didn't take that many photos in Australia this time cos my camera went NUTS! Just a few here and there and I'll post some once we get them uploaded. I've been shopping and shopping. It was crazy! I have like 15 tops? 3 dresses and at least 2 skirts. Not to mention a pair of boots! I LOVE my new clothes! They all fit me really well and they were cheap too! Its autumn in Australia now so we got the summer clearance sales! Boy do I LOVE sales. I ate tons too! Steak, sandwiches... anything non-Chinese! Not to mention Vienna Chocolate and iced coffee! Can you tell I had the time of my life? But its back to work now and back to reality I guess... but I'm leaving for KL for 4 days on sat, so thats something to look forward to! Another holiday!! Hehehe... I'm having it good these couple of months! Being in Australia started serious relocation thoughts in my head. I'd really love to move there. And right now, thats not a ridiculous idea. Its actually very possible. Especially with me planning to pursue a law degree. I thought of doing it at the University of Sydney. Now the health just has to hold up... Thats the tough part... Right now the tummy is acting up. It was so painful yesterday that I could barely stand straight! *sigh* its scary when that happens. You know what I mean? I've been outta the hospy since last feb and I was just celebrating a yr without any hospy stays. Now... I don't know... It feels better today though.. so I hope yesterday was just a passing thing. Plus i intend to make it to KL! Ok... back to work now... I shall leave you with a few videos of our Easter musical! These were uploaded by a friend of mine and I'm "borrowing" them to show you guys. lol... See if you can spot me! UPDATE: 4-18-07 Hey guys... This is gonna be short... but hello from down under! lol... Yep... and its COLD! I'm freezing! Its probably like 15 degrees outside or something! I get to meet Charisse on Fri and I'm totally psyched. Been shopping like crazy, buying like crazy and eating like crazy. I bet I'm getting fat. I'm exhausted! And my ankles are not staying where they should be! Sheesh.... Oh well.... such is life! We went to look at the universities today. Looking good! And I think I can make the entrance requirements. Question is... is it a good move to go study in Australia. Will my health tolerate it? Thats the main question on everyone's mind. Got to go! Seeya guys! UPDATE: 4-11-07 Hey guys You know when they tell you to never put your hope on humans for they will disappoint you? Well, I've learnt that in a most painful way. When you find someone that you think you can trust, they turn right around and give you a slap on the face. Just when you thought that both of you have an understanding that you are both working towards the same goal. When you thought that all you were doing was trying your best to make things work. When you see the failings of another and try to step in the gap. When someone doesn't understand the level of commitment and personal responsibility you take towards what you're doing. How do you work together like that? Its totally infuriating! I have reached a point when I feel like I just don't wanna do this anymore. And yet... will I be able to live with myself? Knowing that I am where I should be, is it right to step out? My mind is in turmoil and I can't get it to stop. Its not even anything to do with work! You would think the corporate world is like that, but come on its not the office! I'd understand if i were getting paid to deal with this kinda crap, but I'm not! I have to deal with stresses of work along with this and its just not worth it! I've been told that its the way I was brought up. Taught to do everything to the best of my ability. To make people feel like they matter when you work with them. To look after those under you. To teach and to lead. And I put more than 100% of what I have into this whole thing. I threw myself into it not caring about consequences or what it may do to my body. That was the extent of the sacrifice that I was willing to make. I pushed myself till I couldn't push anymore. My best was all that was acceptable. No less than that. And thats all I would accept from everyone as well. Sometimes I question... is that wrong? So in short, humans are humans at best. I am one too. Was I wrong? Was I right? I don't know. All I know is that I gave every bit of myself and for that I have no regrets. UPDATE: 4-4-07 Hey guys! Haha... don't ask me whats with the nigh... I don't know either. But anyway... Its almost Good Friday!!! YEah that means that the musical is right about coming up! I guess I should be glad that the end of it all is approaching! And yet, there's this tinge of sadness that everything will be coming to an end soon. It has been fun and frustrating all at the same time. Reporting times are at 4pm on Fri and Sat and 6am on Sun. Early huh? But if we have to be on stage at 9am, where's the choice in that?? I hope everyone won't be too tired cos I know I will be! I plan to get tons of rest in the days ahead. Its like anticipating the tiredness to come. And then next Fri, I'm off to Australia!!! Yeah! Healthwise... man... my hip is utterly insane! I keep dislocating it! And lemme tell you, that is NOT fun. It hurts bad! Totally frustrating! I don't know how to make it stay in place! I'm putting those heating plasters on it so that it will feel better! *sigh* Its hard to stand and sit and really hard to climb those stairs too. Thats the worse dislocation, but my other joints are taking the chance to slip out to. Driving me nuts! I hope this flare will come to an end soon before something is seriously damaged! I've been working on writing my musical, but for now I've stopped for a bit cos I'm too tired out with preparations for Easter. It is very hard to be creative when you're tired out so I think I should carry on once Easter is over. OH! We booked a trip to Phuket for August 23-26. It was so super cheap! And I'll be in Kuala Lumpur with the choir from April 28-29. Yep, lots of travelling coming up! Not that I mind... I love travelling! lol... Okok... back to work, lots to do! This was so written in bits and pieces! haha! Take care guys and sign in!!! UPDATE: 3-28-07 Hey guys Like my title? lol... Thats from the musical Wicked. One of the most inspiring musical for me at this point. Not to mention the fact that Idina Menzel is in the original broadway cast. Thats just additional reason for me to be inspired. lol... She is terrific! If I could sing like her, I'd be happy! lol... Oh well, one can always dream right? She is totally powerful! Talk about girl power!! Listening to her singing as I write this. lol... She is a terrific actress too! Easter is coming up so soon! 2 weeks to go! And I realise how much i love the stage! Hahahahaha! Its the best place to be! Well, for me it is. lol... I don't know about all of you. And like I was saying, I can't think of a better ministry to serve in than what I'm doing now. What more could you ask for? Using your passion in ministry. lol... I signed up for beat-by-beat. Its a musical incubation program. Pretty exciting if you ask me! Except... I'm so busy! Its insane! I need some time to rest! But man... I LOVE writing musicals. And here's the PERFECT excuse to spend time doing what I love! I've decided that life is too short to be spent on things that I don't enjoy! If I like something, its time to go for it! And I think all of you should do the same. Don't let people tell you that its silly or that its unwise. If you have the passion, just get out there and get it done. Passion will help you achieve the impossible. My shoulder is NUTS today. Its been falling outta place since morning and nothing i do is stopping it. Totally annoying! Grrrrrrr... I'm about to plaster it with salonpas in a min! Hope that at least warms the aching thing up! I totally hate these darn joints of mine. They give way with no warning! Okok... gotta go now... sign in!!!! UPDATE: 3-21-07 Hey guys I'm thoughtful today so there is like no better place for me to come and pen my thoughts! Plus I can pen them throughout the day as they come! lol... Awesome. Man... do I love computers or what?? Anyway... since I'm working on the Easter musical, thoughts of the theatre have come back into my mind. What does it REALLY mean to be on stage. The significance of it all. "Do not be full of yourself, but be full of your part." - Boucicault. Isn't this quote so true? Once you get up on that stage, its no more all about you. Its about your purpose up there. The story that you're supposed to tell. You gotta forget whatever has happened in the day, whatever sadness or emotions that you're experiencing all have to be left behind. You gotta get into neutral mode and then you put on your mask. Your character. You might be merely an extra, but you are just as important to the story cos 1 blunder on your part could potentially ruin all that the actors are doing. If you get up there looking blur, everyone's attention is gonna be focused on you and how dumb you look instead of the main action that they're supposed to be focusing on. How are you gonna get your message across then?? And for poor Ellery who has a TOUGH time ahead of him, there's a quote that says "Theatre director: a person engaged by the management to conceal the fact that the players cannot act." -James Agate. HAHA! How true in our case man. The worse part is that the actors think that this whole thing is 1 big JOKE! Acting is 1 of the hardest things to do in my book. You can't just stand there on stage and mimic someone. You need to get the moods, the motivations right. You need to know WHY you're doing something. You need that through-line that you keep with you. Singing- Just because you're in the ensemble doesn't mean that your job is merely to sing and make a nice noise. You too are part of the story and you too are telling it! Singing takes up at least half of the time in a musical. If the ensemble is gonna walk around the stage looking like robots, where is the joy in telling the wonderful story?! It has to show on your face, your expression. We have to hear it in your voice. The excitement. The anticipation. In the way you walk. It has to be full of purpose. And you have to get into the character of the song before you even step out onto that stage. And you have to be so sure of yourself. Where you are going to, your next move and you do it with purpose and confidently. Even if you make a mistake! You go on like its meant to be. And the audience is not gonna know you made a mistake! And anyway, if the ensemble was not important, would we BOTHER putting you guys in costumes and doing your hair and make-up?! We should just hide all of you backstage! lol... So quit thinking that the actors are the only people that matter on the stage! Ok... if any of you out there are reading this... you're probably gonna say that Joanne is just going on and on cos she is theatre-trained and we're not. Well, thats where you LEARN. You be serious and you realise that theatre is not all fun and games. You see the importance of what we're doing this Easter and in all musicals to come. You PRACTICE using your diaphragm so that you don't loose your voice after 3 performances. You learn your lines and memorise them every waking moment. You FOCUS at rehearsals instead of fooling around. Lemme end with a thought for you: Theatre is very much concerned with the society, with the social situation… A theatre piece of itself, demands a confrontation with the audience. It demands that you connect with people; it demands a collective and social effort with the company and later with the audience. - Griselda Gambaro UPDATE: 3-14-07 Hey guys! Man... I wasn't at work for like more than half of last week! Came down with a very nice 39.9 degree temperature. Lemme tell you, it was crazy! I couldn't even get outta bed! It was terrible having to get out just to go to the doc. I couldn't stand straight or even sit straight. I was just so so miserable. Thankfully antibiotics have kicked in and I'm much better now! Still feeling weak and tired, but sorta functional My meds got switched again! lol... now I'm off the diclofenac and back onto celebrex. While I'm pleased cos its less harsh on the stomach, its very harsh on the pocket! Celebrex costs many times more than the diclofenac! Probably cos they don't seem to have generics for it just yet. Sigh... oh well, whatever works right? And I'm supposed to start cymbalta. Problem is trying to find a pharmacy that actually carries it around here. It hasn't exactly penetrated our market yet. I think I'm gonna just ask my doc to get hold of it for me! What else is new.... hmmm... still dislocating, still hurting, still nauseous, still dizzy. Nope, nothing new there! lol... oh well, thats life huh? What a dreary journal! OH! I got my flight to Australia booked! We leave for Adelaide come April 17th. Thats coming up really really soon! On top of that, my birthday is coming up this sat. I have to go order my own birthday cake! sheesh... I'm getting a nice nutella ice-cream cake. Sound good?? A Chinese proverb once said “To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping” I guess we just have to keep putting 1 foot in front of the other no matter how hard the struggle gets. And everytime the going gets rough, we have to remind ourselves that its just another little step. I gotta go now... just 1 more little step guys! UPDATE: 3-7-07 Hey guys I came back to work yesterday and was too swamped to write. Today, I'm like hurting so bad its not even funny. I have 2 dislocated ankles, painful muscles everywhere and a cramping tummy. Boy am I miserable! I've taken meds and rubbed gel everywhere and nothing seems to be working! GRRRRR... boy am I feeling mad! Oh days like this, I feel like I just can't do this anymore! Its just to hard to cope with this and do everything that I'm doing. Thankfully I have a pain management appt tom. That holds up some hope! Maybe there is something they can do which will help. On a brighter note, I had lunch with my family today at Manhattan Fish Market. Good stuff! The fish was huge and I'm still feeling full. I hope the pain eases off cos my family thought of watching Dreamgirls tonight at the cinema and I fully intend to go. Maybe it will take my mind off the pain you think? I'm about ready to try anything. "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming WOW! WHAT A RIDE." by an unknown person. Man... sure sounds like my journey! Will there ever be an end? I don't know. I can only hope. Well, back to work now... take care guys... and sign in! UPDATE: 2-28-07 Hey guys You know something? When you're working, the days just seem to fly by you constantly. The weeks all seem to roll into one. You live for the weekends and they just seem to fly by and you're thrown back into the work week once again. I think thats how time flies by and before you know it, you've aged again. For those of you who are Singaporeans, you'll find me in the papers again. Flip to Straits Times' Saturday feature called Finger clicking... good. Its not a long mention, just talks about me in passing. I didn't even know it was gonna be there till people started calling me to tell me about it! lol... Oh well... I have a doc appt on Thurs. I'm not exactly looking forward to it cos the doc was telling me that he wants to do those cortisone shots into my hips. Sounds nasty! I hope I can walk after cos I need to make it to work. I have another doc appt like the week after so I can't afford to miss work on thurs too. Man... the situation just sucks. I don't believe I have to hide things like doctor appointments and keep postponing them constantly! I'm still dislocating. It is CRAZY I tell yah... I've never had a flare this badly before. While it doesn't hurt that badly when it happens, it does ache terribly after! I got a new shoulder brace thing and I hope it'll keep this shoulder of mine in place. I have no idea why its so loose. I know under the fluoroscope, the doc was showing me how he could just tug it outta joint! He was amazed and so was I. Oops... now there goes my left wrist. GRRRR... Ok... I think thats it for now. " The most important thing in illness is never to lose heart. " ~Nikolai Lenin. Don't you love that saying?? I think its the only way to live in this crazy battle. We have to keep hoping that some day, it'll all be better! Hang in there guys... and do leave me a message yah?? Hee! Thanks! UPDATE: 2-21-07 Hey guys! Happy Chinese New Year!! Its a holiday here all the way till Tuesday so I'm totally enjoying this long weekend! In fact, this is one of the rare times that I'm updating from home! We were out for a movie. It was like a weird one! Dreamgirls starts here on Thursday and I definately wanna catch that one. I wanna hear Jennifer Hudson! Actually, I love movies with singing in them. Just like the old kinds that they used to have in the past. lol... I'm in bed now trying to watch some tv. My heart is seriously aching and its not a very good feeling. I think I'm gonna try putting a heating pad on it. Maybe it will help. I met my auntie today and she was telling me about this new ankle brace she got from Taka. It has some special acu-point type thing on it and it has helped her lots. Was thinking of getting a pair to try. Its not cheap, but if it helps, boy will it be worth it! I don't have much more to update on so this is gonna be a short one. I wanna go lie down too cos I'm not feeling so good. Take care guys... will write more soon! UPDATE: 2-14-07 Hey guys Well, to begin, I got questions in the guestbook, so I shall answer them here. lol... I have Ehlers Danlos. That is basically a connective tissue disorder. As a result, I have very defective collagen in my body. So my joints are very mobile and they sorta move around really easily. For me, its mainly my hips, ankles, shoulders and knees. I've dislocated other joints too, but it doesn't happen as frequently. Ehler Danlos is a genetic problem, which usually runs in families. I'm still trying to figure out where in my family line the gene comes from. There are several different types of eds. We still don't quite know what type mine is... but we're going along the lines of hypermobility and classical. And how I get my joints in again? Mine are really loose. All I have to do is to wriggle them around and they usually go back in. If they don't... then its off to the A&E. Which doesn't happen too much thankfully! When I was younger, I used to go to the Chinese doctor who can crack your joints back into place. But now, I'm kinda scared that they'll injure my joints more so I actually avoid them. Ok... enough about problems for now. lol... Easter Musical is coming up. You know what that means.... yes... practices start like today. *stress stress* I think if it weren't for my love for the stage, I wouldn't be doing this all the time. I just have to keep praying that my body holds up through it all. Sometimes passion alone isn't enough. lol... Gotta be practical too. To add on to the stress, we only have like 2 months to put this whole thing together. Thats a really short time! I've been ok lately. Just really tired out. Still dislocating and my legs are still giving way. but I don't think there's anything I can do about that... Looks like thats gonna be my life for now at least. I see the doctor next on March 1 so I'll ask him about it then. Can't get in earlier. They're just so packed. Thats what happens when you go to public hospitals! lol... You wait for like forever just to see a doc. Okok... back to work now... do take a minute and sign my guestbook? Would love that!! Thanks!! UPDATE: 2-8-07 Hey guys! Yeah you read that right! And no, I'm not pregnant. lol... We went out on Saturday and picked out a new puppy!! She is a 8wk old shitz tzu. Boy is she a mess! lol... No matter how you try to comb her hair down, she still ends up looking a total mess in a couple of minutes. She is NOTHING like Sunshine! She wriggles all over the place and calls you when you place her down in a play pen for a couple of minutes! She loves cuddling with people and adores meeting new people. Total joy, but what a pest! I'm sorta banned from bonding with her cos Sunshine is like already "my" dog so this one is supposed to be my sister's dog. I haven't been feeling so good lately. My legs have just been really really tired for some reason and they sometimes "give out" on me which isn't a very good feeling at all. Not quite sure why its happening, but I sure hope that it stops soon. Could be part of dysaut or who knows what! On top of that, I've been like really tired! I had a 3hr nap yesterday which was soooo good! I haven't been able to take a nap like that since I started work. lol... I just shut my bedroom door and slept and slept. Last night, I slept kinda early, but I'm still feeling tired now for some reason. I hope its just the after lunch blues. I'm STILL trying to loose weight. I've been eating too much! I'm gonna try going back to the skipping dinner diet. There is so little that I can do in the form of exercise so this is like the only way I'm gonna end up loosing any weight. Chinese New Year is coming and I wanna look good! And you're sure to gain weight visiting people cos of all the goodies! I just bought cornflake cookies and pineapple tarts to bring home for my family. I tried the samples and boy were they good! With all the stores popping up all over the place, I don't even know which ones to buy anymore! Haha! Ok... quote for the week! "One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure" by William Feather. Man.. I think my life couldn't turn out to be more of an adventure than it already is! lol... Nothing is predictable. I can't even plan for the week ahead usually. Sooo... I don't make plans! I just take the days as they come. Hoping that I'll be able to do whatever lies before me in the days ahead. Never taking for granted that I'm gonna be well tomorrow. How much more of an adventure could you be on? lol... But I'm not complaining. I've learn so much from this adventure and if I can even help 1 person using what I've gone through, then this adventure has been worth all its pain and tears. Well, its back to work now! I've got broadway radio playing and its good stuff! Fast music that really psyches me up and keeps me going! Take care guys! And sign my guestbook!! The link is on the left!! Thanks! UPDATE: 1-31-07 Hey guys, I know this is unusual coming from a girl, but I'm so so into my gaming machines! Haha! I got a psp for Christmas and I'm highly bummed that the games are so expensive so I can't buy more! Even on like Yahoo auctions, they're like 54 bucks a game minimum! *sigh* I love handhelds cos they help pass time in waiting rooms and on long journeys to and fro places. Makes the journey seem so short. lol... Anyway, its a highly stressful time now cos Easter is coming up. And yes, you know what that means... the hunt for singers and a script and music is now ON! Haha... Man oh man... and you thought Christmas just ended huh? lol... but I'm not complaining. I just have to step outta Sunday School before I kill myself with everything I have to do. *sigh* Body cannot take all the pressure! I'm doing too much as it is. Healthwise, my shoulder is really loose. It keeps popping and falling outta place for no reason. Really frustrating!!! Yesterday I was at Watsons and this lady was recommanding to me this pain balm which consisted mainly of Wintergreen thingy. Other than being quite stinky, it didn't do a thing. lol... I just stunk up my entire room for like no reason and still hurt the whole night. Oh well... whatcha gonna do... lol... My hips are falling outta place too while i sleep. I don't know how to sleep to best protect them! Ok... today's quote! "Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak" by Thomas Carlyle. Wow... to be able to do all that in the face of obstacles and when you feel like you just can't go on feels like an impossibility sometimes. But thats when we dig deep inside and find that inner strength that we never knew we had and we come out a much stronger person for that. So keep hanging on guys. I gotta go now.... take care all of you and I'll try to come around real soon!! UPDATE: 1-24-07 Hey guys You won't believe what happened! I tripped over a pen and dislocated both ankles and knees. Its a wonder that I'm still walking! Yep... I amaze myself too. By my clumsiness and ability to do the weirdest things! don't get me wrong, it hurts! But I'm still walking around... slowly... no use limping cos both legs are hurting at the same time! lol... I think doctors need to find SOMETHING thats gonna help and SOON cos this is getting a little outta hand. I'm like falling apart with every little thing that happens to me. I'm dying to take up dance classes, but at this rate, its not going to be so possible! Upsetting cos thats something i really really wanna do! I think I'm in a bad bad EDS flare right now. Strangely, eds flare makes dysaut flare as well. Not as badly though, I'm still functional, thankfully. We're planning to leave for Adelaide, Australia on April 13. We'll prob be there for about 9 days. Anyone out there lives in Adelaide?? I'm already planning to meet Charisse. (One of my friends) Anyone else in the area? Just lemme know!! Its really fun being able to meet up with people who I only know online! lol... Ok. quote for the day! "The only way to find the limits of the possible is by going beyond them to the impossible" by Arthur C. Clarke. Isn't that a nice quote?? lol... I find that something to go by daily. Pushing myself to make it to work, to be able to live life as normally as possible despite all the health struggles is never easy. More often than not, I'm tempted to give up. But I guess I'll never know what I can do until I push myself to do it and I guess I'll surprise myself in the end. Better knowing that I have tried than to live a live of regret is what I always think. Its back to work now. This has taken like forever to write. I started in the morning and now its mid-afternoon. Take care guys... do drop me a note? And I'll come around really soon! Just been so busy! UPDATE: 1-17-07 Hey guys! Oh boy has this been a long and tiring weekend! What did I do? Well, not much come to think about it! Probably all stemmed from Friday. Friday was a LONG day! Worked in the day, went to watch My Fair Lady and then went for a team night out at Wine Bar! By the time i got home, I was just about ready to collapse. That was all just a little more than my body could handle. lol... So you can guess what the weekend was like... mostly in bed! Well, I went for a dinner at church on Sat night for the church musical team. And on Sunday I went to church then we went out to VivoCity to go shopping. Boy is that place big! And I got to go to Build-a-Bear workshop!! Yep, it has opened over here! Totally awesome!! Healthwise.... I'm in the papers again. Haha... Well, quoted in the papers at least. Its an article on Pain management. I'll try to attach it here and see if it shows up. Maybe if I pdf the thing I can upload it and leave the link on here. Will see what I can do... Man... thats a little more exposure than I would like! Thankfully its just a couple of quotes and not like a full article with pictures and stuff! I'm still dislocating everything... the hip is the one that is bothering me the most. And man... it sure hurts when that happens! I WISH there was something that they could do to make it stop happening! I need a dose of courage myself right about now. When facing illnesses, one of the most important thing is to never give up. Like the poem says "You can never tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems afar" We should never give up fighting and we should never stop hoping for a cure. Even when your doctor tells you that you're gonna have to live with it, that should never ever stop you. You should never give up on your hopes and dreams. I know its so much easier said than done. When a doctor tells me I have to go for another test, sometimes I feel like telling him to just heck it and let me be. Those tests hurt! But every new test might be 1 step closer to finding a cure, 1 step closer to making me feel better. I need a dose of fighting courage every now and then. Well, its back to work now. Take care guys... hope the weather isn't upsetting too many of you... I think the rainy weather here isn't helping me much! lol... Thanks for coming by!! UPDATE: 1-10-07 Hey guys! Lemme tell you, I have totally funky joints! Just yesterday, I dislocated my middle finger again! Doing what? Carrying the plates out to lay the table for dinner. ARGH! *bish bish bish* Totally frustrating!! I never knew you could dislocate your fingers! You could see my finger distinctly crooked! lol... In a way it was sorta funny. Don't worry, its back now. All is good! Hahahah. My doc doesn't seem to be able to get it into his head that you can dislocate more than 1 joint at a time. When I tell him my hip goes out, he thinks thats it. I was like... ummm... its like my hip, ankle, shoulder.... among others... sheesh. Anyway... I was feeling really terrible in the office this morning. Like I was catching some bug. But I popped some meds and hey, I actually feel pretty good right now! Haha! Thank God for meds! They make you soooo functional. I have a Psalms calender on my desk that a friend gave me and it can be so encouraging on some days. Lemme give you what it says today. "The Lord will hear when I call unto Him. Psalms 4:3 Just think, there are no busy signals in the Kingdom... He's always there..." Now isn't that nice?? Ok. Quote for today. " It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves." by Edmund Hillary. Yet another one that rings so true. Sometimes the very step to coping with a chronic illness is learning to deal with ourselves. If you never learn to accept your illness, you will never be able to deal with it and you will be always going "why me". Often the tree that lies in the way of us getting better is not doctors and medicines, but ourselves. We prevent ourselves from getting the most out of life that we can. We have to learn to accept our limitations and know that they don't make us any less than our peers. And we have to believe that having a chronic illness is not something to be bitter about. Sometimes I think we're our own worst enemy and the biggest hindrance to having the best life that we can have. I'm guilty of it too. Well, enough of that for now... its back to work for me! Hang in there guys... sign in to tell me you came by yah? Seeya! UPDATE: 12-21-06 Hey guys, I'm taking a break to type this once again. lol... Its lull season here at work so that really helps, except sometimes I get so bored that its not even funny. lol... Well, Christmas musical performances start this Friday and run until Monday. We had our full-dress rehearsal just yesterday and in a way, that seems like the start to everything that we've been working for. You finally see all the pieces start coming together and become one. In a way, that is so so exciting. And yet, being on stage can really give you the jitters! I open the show and lemme tell you, once you step out onto stage and into that spotlight and look at all the people staring right at you, you can just forget everything that you are supposed to say! Haha... But I do love musicals, so getting the chance to be in one again is quite a treat. Healthwise, its been so so rainy here and that is not good on my joints. They seem to ache and creak with every move. Makes me feel about 80! lol... I'm dislocating everything everywhere for no rhyme or reason and its quite frustrating still! The other day, my hip gave out and for the life of me, I couldn't get it back in. I couldn't move! After a REALLY long time, there was a "click" and presto! I was alright again. lol... Like magic huh? Its made me think that maybe I should never have kids. What if I pass all the problems down to them? I'll never forgive myself for making someone else go through it. I have another quote for you! " When confronted with a mountain, the secret to climb to the very top is not to look at it as one big obstacle, but rather many small obstacles. If a mountain is 8,000 metres high, think of it as eight 1,000 metre obstacles. When confronted with large problems, try to break them up into smaller ones by taking it one step at a time. When we do this and reach the top, the outlook is great." Isn't that a great one? Its by Allen Steble! I think it applies to everyone in any situation. Not just when you're dealing with a chronic illness. Always break things down into more manageable sizes and look at them 1 little bit at a time and then the problem just doesn't seem so big anymore! Before you know it, you'll get through it all. Well, gotta go now. Take care all of you! I'll try to get the Christmas cards out once I get the chance to breathe! lol... Seeya and sign the guestbook? UPDATE: 12-13-06 Hey guys! I'm on high!! Genting won the bid for the integrated resort on Sentosa! What that means is that in a couple of years, we're gonna have a HUGE Universal Studios theme park right here in Singapore! Its supposed to be bigger than the one in Hollywood! With 22 rides, 16 specially designed for Singapore! On top of that, a water theme park, World's largest Oceanarium, Nightly shows... 6 new hotels! Haha! All on 1 small island... Sentosa. Man... its gonna be sooo fun! Can you hear my excitement?? Theme park fan here! We got some Christmas shopping done this weekend. Well, my parents did. Haha... I succeeded in buying myself a Little Mermaid vacuum mug for work. Its pink and so PRETTY! Its sitting on my desk now making me happy! And I got a Disney Princess whiteboard from my secret Santa at work. I'm tempted to add it to my collection of Disney stuff surrounding my desk! Haha! I'm nuts don't you think? And I have Disney theme park music playing on my computer the entire day! Hee... I'm dying to go visit a Disney park soon. Can't you tell? Healthwise, I feel like a box of matchsticks. lol... Thats what one of my friends said. I'm falling apart! This morning, I dislocated my hip, ankle and shoulder all together. Man.. I need better glue! Its quite frustrating. Especially since I don't know how to stop it from happening. At church yesterday, the song leader had us stand for so long that I close to blacked out. Even though I was consciously trying to keep moving. Had to grab the seat and it was so embarrassing! Especially since everyone was standing and I was the only one sitting! *sigh* But whatcha gonna do... I'm really into quotes of late so here's another one. "Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be" by Karen Ravn. When we have a chronic illness, we tend to get down and discouraged thinking of all the things that we have to give up and things that we cannot do. But think about this quote. "Only as much as I dream can I be". Having a chronic illness should NEVER stop you from chasing your dreams. It may be graduating from college, getting a job, playing with your son... Having a dream gives you hope. Something to live for, something to get outta bed for. Nothing is impossible when we truly believe. We may have to modify our dreams, but we should never give up on them Its almost christmas and as usual, anyone wanna exchange cards??? Email me at joanne173@gmail.com with your addys! And I'll send you a card from here! Ok... I have to get back to work now... Hang on to your dreams guys. Cos one day, they WILL happen! Seeya all! UPDATE: 12-6-06 Hey guys! This week is free of Christmas rehearsals with the exception of Saturday! Why? Cos the youth camp is on. lol... We have lots of teens involved in the musical and its sorta hard to have rehearsals when half your team isn't around so we've put rehearsals off till sat. The musical is coming around pretty decently. Still on the messy side and we're still a bit blur, but it'll all work out in the end if we focus now and make good use of rehearsal times. I admit, i'm so tired that I really can't wait for Christmas to get here! lol... After that, I'm off to Kuala Lumpur for 4 days! We're taking Grassland express and staying at Swiss Garden Hotel. Considering its a peak period, we really didn't pay much for the holiday. And its a 4* hotel too! Thinking of all the shopping we're gonna do is making me WAY too excited! lol... Now I have to pray that the health will hold up... I've been really tired of late so I think things are going a little nutty. The other night at rehearsal, I was standing up coaching the choir and I started to get that familiar about to black out feeling. I've never blacked out in front of the church before so that would have got them freaked! I sat down right after and thankfully nothing happened. Then this morning, I got mad at someone and the heart started racing so badly I thought I was going to pass out again! But thankfully once I calmed down, everything was ok. I just got dreadfully tired and thats all. There is a quote by Franklin D. Roosevelt that says "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." Its one of the truest quotes I've heard. So many times in this journey of chronic illnesses, you feel like you just can't take it anymore and you wanna throw in the towel and give up. But you just have to remind yourself to keep looking forward and that things WILL get better. You just have to keep hanging on to that rope. To let go would be disaster, but in hanging on, there is hope. And when other people see you hanging on, they too get reminded to hang on to their ropes. To help and inspire another, what more can we ask for? Ok... its the end of the day and I should be heading home real soon. Hang on to your ropes guys... no matter what you're facing. Just keep looking up! UPDATE: 11-29-06 Hey guys No, I'm not in another profound mood today. In fact, I'm incredibly busy but very tired. So I'm taking a break to write in here for a few minutes. I'm tired of trying to contact my travel agent to see if the year-end trip I want to take to Kuala Lumpur with my friend is confirmed yet! lol... We wanna take this 1st class bus so there are huge massaging seats, personal on demand movies and all that good stuff. Hey, its a long drive so best be comfortable don't you think? I love taking these short trips and KL = SHOPPING GALORE! Hahahaha... I'm such a girl. Anyway, healthwise, I'm supposed to have an MRI coming up and I'm totally dreading it. I do not like being stuck in small dark spaces and I highly suspect I will totally freak out in the middle. On top of that, they say that they are gonna inject in contrast and air directly into my shoulder. I saw a picture of it that the doctor gave me and the needle is HUGE! And me who's scared of needles is supposed to keep calm?!? lol... No way is that gonna happen! Its called a Shoulder arthoscopy or something like that. I don't think I spelt it right. He wants to check if I have a tear or something in the shoulder that he can repair or if its just the eds causing the problems. And I FINALLY found a doctor who knows something! lol... He's like the head of the ortho dept at the hospy i go to and now I see him all the time. He was playing around with my joints and commenting about how loose they were and everything. Well, nothing that I didn't know already! lol... I'm honestly debating if I should try to get outta that MRI. I don't like the idea nor the sound of it! Like the title of this post suggests, I was thinking about the topic of choices. Its funny how in life, everything is a choice. How we react to situations and how well we go through life is all a result of choices and decisions that we make. When dealt with a chronic illness, we can choose to be depressed and start moping around all day about things that we had to give up or about things that we can no longer do. Or, we can choose to be happy about the things that we still can do. We can choose to take an optimistic view of things or we can choose to see how our life has been taken over by all things medical. I wonder if choosing to be optimistic has an effect on how we do on a day to day basis and if it really affects how well we do. Like do we have more periods of feeling good, are we able to do more and stuff like that. To fight is a choice that we make, to not let a chronic illness define who we are. We choose to let people see the person behind the illness and without realising it, our choices will affect how people treat us. Ok... thats enough for now... I gotta get back to work. Take care guys... please take a moment to stop by Caitlin's page. She was one of the strongest fighters I knew. I got to know her through another support group even before I came to DYNA. I won't forgive myself for missing the sleepover that we were supposed to have together with Heather after the Summer Chill. She was the most amazing girls I knew and her memory will live on. UPDATE: 11-22-06 Hey guys I'm sitting at my desk in the office again and I'm free so there's time to think. The 1 topic on my mind right now is "Being Happy". As dumb as that sounds, I guess thats the 1 way to feeling better and to go on with life. Of late, I've been lurking around lots of groups and around a lot of forums and I realise that so many of us are so bothered by the stuff that we can't do and that we don't have that we neglect to remember the things that we do have. We forget to be grateful and instead we just become bitter thinking of the things that have been taken away from us. Things that we are unable to do any longer. Like for me, I've read so many articles online and I've realised that so many people with EDS do end up wheelchair bound. Not to mention people with Fibro combined. I'm so grateful that despite the fact that I don't walk good and it hurts, I'm still walking. I can't run and I can't exercise, but I sure can walk. Enough to get to the office. Enough to go to church. Enough to take part in a Christmas musical. I may have periods of blacking out and I can't stand long. But I'm not housebound most of the time. I have times when I crash, but its not every minute of everyday. I still have some good hours that I really treasure. I hurt lots, but at least I have pain meds to take and I don't have to fight my doctors to get them. When you are on a forum, you realise that so many people try and "beat" each other to sound like they have it the worst. I don't see the point in taking pride and joy in being the worst off. In fact, some people don't even know how good they have it and that can frustrate others who are not doing as well. I dislocate all the time, but at least my joints are still in ok shape and I don't need to replace any of them yet. Being happy. 2 simple words, which can make such a difference to one's outlook of life. And you realise that when you're happy, you sleep better, rest better, work better and function better. You find meaning in life and you find the strength to make it through the next day and the energy to push yourself just that little bit beyond what you thought you could do. Well, its back to work now. Just getting the thoughts outta my head and down onto "paper". lol... Hope you guys are hanging in there! Do sign the guestbook so I know you stopped by! UPDATE: 11-15-06 Hey guys I'm sitting at my desk in the office again and I'm free so there's time to think. The 1 topic on my mind right now is "Being Happy". As dumb as that sounds, I guess thats the 1 way to feeling better and to go on with life. Of late, I've been lurking around lots of groups and around a lot of forums and I realise that so many of us are so bothered by the stuff that we can't do and that we don't have that we neglect to remember the things that we do have. We forget to be grateful and instead we just become bitter thinking of the things that have been taken away from us. Things that we are unable to do any longer. Like for me, I've read so many articles online and I've realised that so many people with EDS do end up wheelchair bound. Not to mention people with Fibro combined. I'm so grateful that despite the fact that I don't walk good and it hurts, I'm still walking. I can't run and I can't exercise, but I sure can walk. Enough to get to the office. Enough to go to church. Enough to take part in a Christmas musical. I may have periods of blacking out and I can't stand long. But I'm not housebound most of the time. I have times when I crash, but its not every minute of everyday. I still have some good hours that I really treasure. I hurt lots, but at least I have pain meds to take and I don't have to fight my doctors to get them. When you are on a forum, you realise that so many people try and "beat" each other to sound like they have it the worst. I don't see the point in taking pride and joy in being the worst off. In fact, some people don't even know how good they have it and that can frustrate others who are not doing as well. I dislocate all the time, but at least my joints are still in ok shape and I don't need to replace any of them yet. Being happy. 2 simple words, which can make such a difference to one's outlook of life. And you realise that when you're happy, you sleep better, rest better, work better and function better. You find meaning in life and you find the strength to make it through the next day and the energy to push yourself just that little bit beyond what you thought you could do. Well, its back to work now. Just getting the thoughts outta my head and down onto "paper". lol... Hope you guys are hanging in there! Do sign the guestbook so I know you stopped by! UPDATE: 11-8-06 I've been so so busy at work that its just been go go go from the time i enter the office to the time i leave and its really really tiring! Stress levels can go up up up when things are not done properly or well or on time and I know this is all part and parcel of working life. Sounds so trivial, but well, its still adapting to a new environment and a new lifestyle. 1 thing that is seriously getting to me is the long sitting hours. They make everything hurt so bad and I think the posture you sit in in front of the computer must be bad too cos it makes me hurt too. lol... The neck and everything is so so painful by the end of the day even though I make sure I take frequent stretch breaks. Christmas musical rehearsals are going nutty cos there are so many of them. Not that I'm complaining cos I think we seriously need them if we're not gonna embarrass ourselves at the end of the yr. But I'm really worn out and very very tired. Trying to go places after work just does not work well with the body. Like someone told me today, My chronic illnesses remove the energy from my body and replace it with fatigue to begin with. So its like extra hard to do all this and more. Its a constant push and yet I have to be careful that the body doesn't crash. Thats the reason why I hate nights. The body cannot stand what it goes through in the day and at night all systems crash hard and crash bad. Been having sleepless nights just cos the pain is so bad. Like my chest feels so painful and I can't breathe good and thats an awful feeling. Okie... enough whining. The Phantom of the Opera will be here next yr again and I'm totally excited! I wanna go see it. Total musical fanatic here! And I'm saving to go to Hong Kong next yr cos I wanna visit the Disneyland there. I've heard its not that great and everything, but hey, better than nothing right? lol... And its a FANTASTIC place to shop too. So saving up my leave to go! okok... back to work... last article to write... take care guys! And say hi! Sign the guestbook! Thanks! UPDATE: 10-18-06 Hey guys, I've been sleeping lots lately and I have to say, it does make me feel a little better during the day! I've been falling asleep at 9+ and I wake up at 7:30am to get to work. That is a LOT of sleep! lol... I used to sleep past 12! But lately I've just been so tired that sleep seems to be the only thing that I'm able to do. lol... I've been in bed a lot these few days! But I can last through the day so thats a good thing. The braces are still driving me NUTS. I DO NOT LIKE having my joints immobile! In fact, I haven't been using the braces much. I actually have to psych myself into using them! A lot of mental work there... its really uncomfortable to sleep with, especially the knee ones cos I'm so so used to curling up on my side to go to sleep. Now I have to sleep straight and its not comfortable! So what happens is... I attempt to take them off in the middle of the night! lol... I know, I'm bad. But they are seriously hard to tolerate. I have this chart that my OT therapist gave me to fill in to tick when I dislocate. But I haven't been using the braces, so that chart isn't gonna be accurate! hahahahaha.... I found a dysautonomia doctor in Singapore! He's at Tan Tock Seng and I'm trying to make an appointment to see him. I hope he'll help me out! The haze here is making everyone feel unwell and I'm no exception. I so hope that the haze will clear up soon! Its horrible smelling smoke once you step outta the building. Last thing is... I'm not using my arm sling anymore. I gave up on it! It actually makes my arm hurt more being in it! Silly huh? But yeah. Its still hurting now, but not all the time. Sometimes its ok and sometimes it just starts throbbing bad for what seems like no reason. Very nutty. Okie... back to work for me. I think I'd drank a tad too much today, keep going to the bathroom! Haha... I think I just went half an hr ago and I need to go again! Ok... you guys take care and sign that guestbook!! Thanks!! UPDATE: 10-12-06 Hey guys, As you can tell from the heading, I did something dumb today. Haha... I was typing on the computer the whoel morning and I stopped for a minute and turned to stretch and in the process, the shoulder goes pop! Yeah, I dislocated it. Totally painful! Now I can't lift it up to stretch or anything like that. Has to be kept by my side at all times. I got those Salonpas pain patches to put on it and its helping to keep the joint warm and soothe the pain a little. Thank goodness! It was awful when it 1st happened! And its my right hand! The dominant one! Haaaai.... horrible EDS... I hope NONE of you ever get it! I'm a bit busier today but I'm pissed! I have to do a survey and as you can guess, no one wants to answer me! They all claim they're too busy and stuff like that! I don't blame them cos I'd probably do the same thing. *huge sigh* The whole point is I have a deadline to meet and it looks like its not gonna happen! *worried look* I hope we find a solution to the problem soon! OT last week was cancelled cos they said that they had staff who were not around and I'm "labor intensive". lol... Now how nice is that??? Thing is, I need stuff that will work during the day and not just for the night cos the day is when most of the problems happen. The normal off the shelf braces are so not helping any! If they did, I wouldn't be seeing a doctor in the 1st place would I?? So DUH! Sometimes I think these hospital people are just too lazy to find out about alternatives avaliable! And they tell me they have nothing they can do for my hip. Think I believe that??? *sigh* Ok. Enough moaning and groaning for a day. lol... Thanks for coming by guys! And sign sign sign!! UPDATE: 10-4-06 Hey guys! I have OT again on Friday! Yet another lunch time gone. *sigh* But I should be grateful that at least I don't hafta take leave to go! lol... They are still trying braces out. They told me that they were flying in high density material from somewhere to try. I think it should be in by this Friday so maybe I'll see what it looks like. I can't imagine what on earth it is! Haha! I hope its something comfortable and preferably presentable! These braces have got to be the UGLIEST things I've seen! lol... Work has been going ok. Its just tiring. Thats the only thing I have against it. I'm like so pooped when I get home and even sitting here is making me tired. Feels like I'm 80 cos the body really hurts quite bad. I wear a jacket hoping that if i stay warm, it'll take some of the ache away. It just feels like a flu! And I hate the feeling. Been having it for the longest time and somehow I pray that it will just leave. Disappear. Poof! Haha!! Totally wishful thinking huh? I wanna rub Bengay, but it stinks! Imagine what the whole office would smell like. They'd kill me! Hmmm... tempting thought! hahahaha... Healthwise... I think I've been eating too much fibre lately cos of my brillant fruits for breakfast idea. My tummy has been going absolutely NUTS. lol... And the joints are still in flare mode. Its 1 dislocation after another. Thank God it doesn't hurt bad. But sometimes at night, it can throb really bad and thats painful. My chest also has been feeling totally weird! Like it hurts when I lie down sometimes. It can hurt to breathe and I have no clue why. Lets hope its just some funky thing that will pass. I suspect its connected to the dysautonomia. Like when the hr or bp goes funky, its a feeling that accompanies it. I dunno... maybe its something to take up to the doc huh? lol... Okie... hafta get back to work now. Its almost 6pm! Yeah!!! Can't wait to go home! I wanna creep into bed. The bad haze here is seriously getting to me. You guys take care and please please sign the guestbook! UPDATE: 9-20-06 Hey guys! Just wondering, how many of you have ever dislocated something before? If you have, you're prob tell me that its no fun. You wanna know something funny? It hardly bothers me? I mean, its sore and it can be hard to move, but besides that, it seems to have become part and parcel of my life and that is like really pathetic! lol... All the joint dislocations don't bother me as much as the hip dislocations. Now those are the horrible ones. The pain is bad! And you can't walk properly. And you wanna know the best part? I went for OT on sat and the therapist told me that she couldn't do anything about my hip dislocations. I was about ready to throw in the towel there and then. This is utterly FRUSTRATING. And I thought we were supposed to be like the best medical hub in the REGION. Sheesh... and to think this is the best that we can come up with! I've started to do research online. THere's supposed to be this procedure where they can use a laser or something to tighten your hip joint so that it doesn't dislocate so much. Sounds promising don't you think? And lasers are non invasive so thats a good thing! The scary part is the after-effects of this constant dislocations. The joint could wear itself out and I'd find myself needing joint relpacements really soon! And I'm just too young for that! *sigh* Its not easy dealing with problems like this especially when your doctor tells you he doesn't know what to do! There has to be something! Something to prevent it from happening! I came to work this morning by bus. There's an express bus from my home to the office so the journey only takes about half an hr. Thats pretty good. I was feeling perfectly fine before I boarded the bus. In the middle, I suddenly got incredibly nauseous and I started breaking out in cold sweat. That stayed with me all the way to the office. I thought my body was crashing! Thats usually the 1st signs of it for me. I grabbed some sweets to suck and right now, it seems to have stabalized. *cross fingers* Man... I hope I don't get that happening again for a while. Its awful! And it just drains all the energy outta you too. Ok... I'm gonna stop here. Sorry I haven't been signing, just have had no time to. I've been so tired and worn out after work. Its rough on me. But I promise I'll try to get around real soon! UPDATE: 9-13-06 Hey guys, I'm at work again and thought I'd take some time off to write. I was just thinking about this whole life changing period in my life. You get outta school and start work. Its like you're out of the shelter and comfort of school and left to fight battles on your own now. Within a short span of time, everything changes. And suddenly, you find yourself changing too. Your thinking changes as does your mindset. Even your taste in clothes changes. I suddenly find myself going to shops that I would have never entered before in the past. Old shops that I frequented now seem to be less attractive and I hardly buy the clothes in there even if there is a sale. I'm into blouses now and I'm all for the executive look. How scary is that?? And it took all of about a month for all that to change! I guess I'm at that stage in my life when I'm starting to want independence and a sense of self. I guess for a lot of people, it starts earlier, but for me, starting work seems to have brought that outta me. I wanna start a savings plan, buy a flat, get insurance and things like that. My thoughts and concerns all seem to have changed so radically that its almost funny! But I guess some things will still stay the same. I still have a box of Disney Princess tissue sitting on my desk and many packs of Disney Princess pocket tissue that I take to lunch to "reserve" my seat in the crowded foodcourt... lol... by the way, is Singapore the ONLY country in the world where people reserve seats in the foodcourt using packets of tissue paper??? lol... It can look almost funny sometimes! I guess health problems will always stay the same too. You can change everything on the outside, but what is hidden will always stay. I went for PT on sat and my therapist was appalled at the way that my rhumy was treating me. She was telling me to go to research on how chronic dislocations can be treated and to bring it to my doctor. I agree... he's just too darn lazy to find out what he can do! Its so much easier to just say "I don't know how to help you". And to throw the burden onto someone else aka the PT and OT therapists. Ok... its back to work now... not that I have much to do UPDATE: 8-30-06 Hey guys I have a week off work! Man am I glad about that! Why? Cos I haven't been feeling good! I seem to be in this crash that I can't get out of and its getting me pretty down. Sometimes, getting outta bed can be the hardest. It feels just terrible and you feel like you're gonna pass out after standing up. I've been drinking a TON of 100 plus. Thats like a salt drink with a lot of sodium in it. It actually does make me feel better after I drink it! OH! I got a new pair of glasses! lol... They're PINK! And I love them. Totally funky! My old ones were getting scratchy and the color was starting to peel so it didn't look so good. We got this new pair at a good price so we bought it right away. My dad just got back from Hong Kong and he got me a TON of new clothes all ready for work! OH! Talking about work, I gotta share the good news with you guys. I got a new job! A real one! Haha! Ok... the last one was real too, but this one is a permanant one! I'm gonna be starting work at Fleishman-Hillard! Click here to read a little about them. They seem to have companies all over the world! I'll be doing Public Relations with the Technology and Telcom group. Pretty exciting! ANd scary at the same time. I don't know if I'll be good at it and I don't know if I'll like it either. I guess I'll only find out after trying it huh? Have a doctor appointment on Fri with the Rhumy. It was supposed to be earlier but I delayed it cos of work reasons. I really really need to see the rhumy this time. My joints have gone nuts. They have not stopped disolcating! Its horrible! I'm just hoping for some answers this Friday. He's also supposed to make the decision about whether or not I continue with PT or whether we should make the switch to something else. I may sound like a baby for saying this, but I REALLY hope that he won't take blood. I HATE needles! And they scare me too! I think I'm too old for this, but the fear doesn't go away! Sometimes I think I'd give anything to be healthy. I know I try to make this journal lighthearted and sometimes I really try to make the stuff I go through sound light and easy. But its really not as easy as it sounds and going through them day in and day out can really make you feel so so down. I mean... imagine feeling like you have a flu every day of your life on top of other problems. People also start thinking... she can't be feeling THAT bad. But trust me... everyday is a fight and a struggle and trying to keep a smile on can be so hard! Trying to function like everyone else can be incredibly difficult and sometimes, it may feel impossible. BUT giving up is not an option and it NEVER EVER will be. Somehow, you just gotta find something that will pull you through the day. Something that will carry you through till you wake up feeling better. Something that sees you through all the pain, the doctor visits, the throwing up and the plain icky feeling. I guess sometimes its just finding a wonderful place that you wanna be in and just close your eyes and stay there till things are better. It can be hard to do that too! But sometimes it helps. Ok... I really have to get to bed. Do drop me a note? It makes the hard days easier knowing you care. Thanks to those who always take the time to! UPDATE: 8-16-06 Hey guys! I'm not even supposed to be taking a break now cos I can't complete my work. Had a working lunch today and still its no where near done! But I'm going slightly crazy and I NEED a break so here I am! My fingers are totally sore from all the typing, the back and neck are killing me and its not pain meds I need, its a change of task! But thats an office desk job for you... the other option is one that will take me running around singapore and I think my body will handle this job much better! lol... Been going for interview till I'm exhausted! Should be hearing back from one today... not sure if its what i really want though... its hard to know till you actually try it don't you think? But once you try, you're sorta stuck in that industry till who knows when! Its very hard to make a career switch once you start and thats the frustrating part. You have to make sure that your 1st job is REALLY what you wanna do, but its so hard to know! Healthwise... like I said above, hurting like MAD! Sucky! And the pain pills DO NOT help right now. Grrrrrrr... I don't think its gonna get much stronger than the methadone that I'm on right now! It helps me only when the pain is like not so bad, but once the pain gets worse, the medicine is useless! Anyone find that? You gotta catch the pain while its excalating otherwise, it becomes too late once it peaks. I got new scholl shoes for work so lets hope they help me stop dislocating. Yep... its still doing it! The PT told me that my immune system is attacking my joints. Well, I wish they'd do something to stop it from doing that! Definately not pleasant... Ok... I have to run now... Too much to do and no more time! *stresss* Please please sign in yah? And you'll get a picture when I get home tonight... hopefully... if I can find something to take a picture of! Tell me what you wanna see! lol... UPDATE: 8-11-06 Hey guys... I am TOTALLY exhausted! lol... I think the event that I was helping out with just knocked the wind outta me! lol... I'm so so glad that my part of it is coming to an end, yet at the same time, there's a sort of bitter sweet feeling. It signals that my internship is coming to an end and its time to find a new job. While I'm excited about finding the job thats gonna start off my career, I'm sad to leave an internship that I really enjoyed. But I have to admit, its an experience that I probably would not have gotten anywhere else. So what am I doing today? I'm home crashing. lol... Thats what happens when you force your body to go beyond your limits. lol... But hey, it was worth it! Now I just hafta get outta this crash before Monday when i hafta go back to work! lol... There are still things that i have to clear up before I can leave. So I plan on getting those done so that the work will not have to be passed on! By the way... I ate SO MUCH yesterday it isn't funny! Buffet lunch and dinner! I ate a TON of oysters for lunch and smoked salmon too! And had so much desert that includes chocolate moose and chocolate ice cream! And if you're starting to think I'm a chocolate fanatic, I am! Haha! Dinner was lots of local delights! The satay was good! And the chilli crab and the oyster omelettes and the best was the desert! "Goreng Pisang" with honey and vanila ice cream! I'm getting all hungry just thinking about it!!!! HAha!!!! My joints are still dislocating. I got good Scholl shoes for work hoping that they will help stop the bad joints a little... but right now, I still have to break those in! Haha.... takes a while and I hate the breaking in shoe stage! Kk... I should try to get outta bed now and make myself useful while i still can. I have a doc appt later so that will mean that whole day is gonna be spent in the hospy. Horrible stuff... hate that place... UPDATE: 8-8-06 Hey guys... Ok... Work is piling up here and I'm taking a few secondes off every now and then to write in here! lol... Why? Cos the event is on Thursday and its time that all the last min prep has to be done. And you know what last min prep can be like! A nightmare! Heh... Makes me wonder if this is the kinda job that I want to do. Its enough to drive you quite insane! But I guess its good cos its sorta project based so once you finish 1 project, its the end and you're onto another. Thats better than doing the same thing over and over again. And if you know me well enough... I can't stand too much of a routine. lol... I do have a few interviews coming up, but having lots of problems trying to make it to them thanks to the event thats coming up and the mere fact that i'm working. They want to schedule the interview during working hours! Sigh... So maybe I should wait until next week, which is my last week here, to seriously start applying for jobs big time. At least I won't have the headache of trying to schedule the interviews! lol... That aside... I had some fun this weekend! Went to the Singapore fireworks festival! It was spectacular! We got there about 2hrs early to stake out a spot to sit. It was packed! In fact, it was total chaos trying to get home after we were done! lol... But hey, I think I'd do it again! It was such a totally exhilerating experience. You know... fireworks... they have that effect on you. I'm still dislocating! lol... Total frustration. But I think I have to look into buying more braces soon! At least they might help this to stop. There's PT this Sat again and I'm completely totally utterly dreading it. Haha! Ugh... it makes you hurt more and dislocate more! Whats there to look forward to??? lol... Sheesh... And there's a doc appt on Friday too. I think its pain management... I'm not sure whether its that or the Rhumy... gotta check the appt card. But I think the Rhumy is next Friday. Heh... very confusing stuff... Ok... gotta go... another meeting coming up... ugh... and I thought that was a chance I could go home early today too! Sheesh... Seeya guys... and please please sign my guestbook? Thanks! UPDATE: 1-17-06 Hey guys, As I type this, I've decided that I'm giving up on trying to finish reading my American Constitutional Law and History by class tomorrow. It cannot be done! I've done about half of it and that should be good enough... I hope! Its not just the fact that there are so many pages. Its also slow reading. lol... Like you take time to absorb and understand what the book is trying to say. Its not a "student-friendly" textbook! Probably cos a lot of the language is really old! lol... the cases are old. I made it through school today! Isn't that awesome?? I was pretty proud of myself! Although a freaky thing happened when i was leaving school. This guy started following me and kept trying to talk to me and give me his phone number. He only left after I picked up my phone and called up my dad! It was quite scary cos he didn't look like a decent, nice guy type. He looked rather... scary! Glad that thats over and done with. Ok. Time for bed! I'm worn out from school and not feeling too great either so I better get my rest. Thanks for coming by guys... and as usual, do sign my guestbook? Thanks! UPDATE: 12-5-05 Hey guys! I'm DONE!!! Exams are OVER!!! And I'm busy with the musical now! lol... So much to be done! But by God's grace and His ALONE, this will all work out for good! May we reach plenty of lost souls this Christmas! Pray for us! So many decisions to be made. And pray for good health. I need it so much right now. I NEED to be able to run around and do stuff. That takes a lot outta me so only by God's grace will I be able to make it through this period! Healthwise, I'm hanging in there. Been having dizzy spells, nausea spells... the usual, but I think its just aggrivated by stress and tiredness. Its funny how every little thing takes so much outta you. Right now its just like dragging my body along from day to day. Problem is that I dont't know where its breaking point is so I'm treading on thin ice right now. I finally got the book that I'm in!! Its called a Life Less Ordinary! Here's a link so you can see what the book looks like. "A Life less Ordinary" The link should take you to the site! I think you can order the book if you'd like. lol... Just look for my picture inside! Pg 41! There are other stories about some amazing Singaporeans if you'd like to read it! For now, its BED TIME! I'm tired! lol... Thank you for stopping by! Do drop me a note?? The guestbook is a better choice cos it doesn't have a word limit! lol... Seeya all! UPDATE: 11-30-05 Hey guys! Last day of exams!!! Haha! Its Intellectual Property Rights. Then once I'm done, its full blast into the Christmas musical. What a life huh? lol... I seem to have caught a cough, cold and sore throat! Lots of people here seem to be falling sick. If you ask me, I think its the crappy weather we've been having. It just rains and rains and rains without warning! But hey... at least the air is cooler! Can you believe its almost December? Boy does time fly... For those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving, sure hope that it was a great one! For me, I'm thankful for all of you who come by. And I'm thankful for being able to do what I can do. UPDATE: 11-21-05 Sigh... I couldn't even think of a title for this post! I'm just so so tired and worn out. Feels like my body is on the verge of collaspe or something. Its just been go go go and I can't seem to catch up with the rest that I need. The thing is... its not a choice! Everything has to be done! Got back from work today and caught a short nap and now I'm already getting tired! lol.... Totally pathetic! There's a practical assesment on Monday and a journal entry due and I have just no time to prepare! I'm trying to study, but I'm just so tired and everything seems to be like a fog right now. Not to mention the way the body feels. Everything just HURTS! Its like my joints are screaming and the body is aching. And I just feel nauseated. The weirdest thing happened yesterday. We went for dinner and I had a burger. After dinner, my tummy really hurt and felt so weird. It was actually... hard! And I have no idea why. Feels better today and I hope that never happens again! Oh another note, its really starting to look like Christmas in Singapore now that the Orchard Road Christmas light up has started. I was stuck in a huge jam yesterday and got to appreciate all the lights and decorations! lol... Pretty impressive if you ask me. Puts you in a really festive mood! The performance yesterday went pretty well! Amazingly, neither Joelle nor I were nevous. lol... I think that really helped. Just glad that its over and done with! For now... gotta continue studying... gotta wake up early for church tom! And there's rehearsal the whole afternoon too! *sigh* Thats like huh? UPDATE: 11-11-05 Hey hey Thanks to the Prayer Bears for all the prayers! I'm feeling much much better today! *grin* Pretty much back to normal! The whole blood pressure thing has to do with the dysautonomia basically. Let me explain a little. Dysautonomia is a malfunction of the autonomic nervous system which controls stuff like blood pressure, heart rate, heat regulation among lots of other stuff. What happens when I stand up is... my body is unable to adapt to the change in position and as a result, my blood pressure can fall quite drastically and I pass out. It can drive me heart totally insane too and it can go up to ridiculous speeds. BUT... don't worry, its nothing life threatening. I need to lie down for a bit and usually the episode will pass. After that, you can feel really tired, nauseous, that kinda stuff. I actually get episodes like a couple of times a day, some worse than others. But you learn to cope with it I guess. I'm on meds that help control it a little so now the bad episodes don't happen as often. Go to http://www.dynakids.org if you'd like to find out more. OH! And if you click on events, you can see pictures of us at summer camp! lol... Anyway, this couple of weeks is going to be insane. Lemme tell you whats happening! lol... Today, there's a project meeting at 3:30pm, then a photo taking session for the poster for a concert I'm performing in. Tomorrow, there's a project presentation, a concert i have to attend for class, and a report that is due in to my group. I work on Saturday. Sunday, there's rehearsal for the musical again. Monday, there's another project presentation. Joelle's birthday is on tuesday. Friday, there's a test in the morning and in the afternoon is the concert we're performing in! How's that for a busy week?? Come to think about it... that may be why my body crashed. Its been go go go these past 2 weeks with little to no rest. Much as I want to be normal, my body can't handle it! lol... School just does NOT make accomodations! Its nuts! I think it may also partly be the new meds. OH! Talking about new meds... the appointment on Tuesday actually went fine. With the exception of having to wait for like 2 hours just to see the doctor. I'm like on Valium! Along with other stuff. They want me to go see a rhumatologist for the EDS. Thats Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Cos they said it may be causing some arthritis. lol... me and my funky joints! And accupuncture! Me with my needle phobia! lol... I was like... no way! Anyway... I have to see them again in a month. On top of my appointment next week that I have to change! Actually... that should be ! They keep talking about stuff like stepping up treatment and I have no idea whats that supposed to mean. Ok... have to stop now and work on my cue cards for the presentation. Oh no... presentation... standing... now thats stressful! Not the presenting... the standing for the presentation! Isn't that like totally strange?!? Anyway... thanks for coming by! And thanks for the prayers! Just felt so good to know that people cared! Seeya! UPDATE: 11-5-05 Today was a busy day. Vacumed the house in the morning and then I settled down to get some studying done. Tried to read up on Intellectual Property Rights. There are so many cases to be read! And my head is spinning from all the legal jargon. lol... why can't judges just talk simply?? Anyway, there's a project to be done which is why I'm trying to read everything. Besides, exams will be coming up pretty soon. After that, we went out for a little bit and now we're home!! Tom, I have the day to study and there's a rehearsal on at church at night. lol... Next tuesday, there's a doctor appointment! *panic* They said that if the meds didn't help much this time, they have to start trying more invasice methods and that sounds very freakish! I mean, they did talk about some of them to me, but they sounds scary and I don't know if I'm ready to try them out. There's no guarantee that they're gonna help though. Thats why there's the hesitation. I don't know... tough choices. I'm not one thats good with medical stuff. *sigh* You would think I would be used to it by now! Well, thats all I have... do drop me a line so I know you came by?? Seeya all! UPDATE: 10-3-05 Hi guys! I'm just so busy that I can't catch my breath! There's too much to do! Schoolwork is taking me much longer than usual so that may be a contributing factor. I had an assignment to do tonight and it took me literally the whole night where in the past, 3 hours would have done it. And I don't think it was very well done either... We had our 1st meeting for the church musical today and we're getting started! I'm excited!! But its also a lot of work and I have to start managing my time very well if I'm going to juggle everything that I'm taking on. And I also have to make sure that I don't push myself too much or I'll crash. Guess its got to do with knowing and understanding your body. Its hard to remember sometimes. But knowing when to stop is the key to doing more. The new meds are giving me horrible chills and its so weird cos its so hot over here. lol... I keep shivering and its not a nice feeling. I hope it goes away soon once my body adjusts to the meds. But its helping me to stay upright a lot longer and I love that! Its a terrific feeling! 1 step to being a little more normal! I just have to keep remembering to take them! Had a sleepover at my friend Daphne's house on Friday. Well, I'll call it a stayover. We chatted the whole night! Didn't sleep. Then we went to the beach to catch the sunrise. We got breakfast at Macdonalds then sat on the breakwater to eat and watch the sky and sea. I had such an awesome time! Just with Alina, Daphne and me. Ok... time for bed! Thanks for coming by guys... appreciate it! UPDATE: 9-28-05 Hey guys! It feels really good to be home! But I think its really gonna take some time before I'm back to 100%. I tire really easily. Its like the simplest things take a lot outta me. I gave my dog a shower and I was so tired after it wasn't even funny. Oh well... no biggie... I tried to get back to studying but its going really slow. I keep drifting and falling asleep while reading. How how?? I NEED to catch up! Its kinda upsetting me that I can't seem to absorb or remember anything right now. I don't understand why. And there's a memory based test on Friday! I'm so screwed... I saw the doctor today and he started me on some new meds. Now I'm on Ultracet, Neurontin, Zelmac for the pain and my tummy. And they started me on Florinef and Midodrine for the dysautonomia. Lets pray that they work good so I can get on with life! The doctor told me that if the meds don't help so good, they want to take alternative measures for my tummy. Like maybe a nerve block or something. He said that he's trying to get me as pain free as possible. Now doesn't that sound so good? lol... Ok... I should head off to bed. I'm so tired! Take care guys! UPDATE: 9-22-05 I'm HOME! Boy does it feel good. The hospital wasn't exactly a holiday! Was on no food or drinks, ended up puking my guts out and stuff like that. And the pain shots hurt! Okok... I sound like a total complainer huh? But at least there was HBO to watch on tv! My tummy acted up again. They did a CT scan and saw what appeared to be a huge cyst on my rightovary, which disappeared when they did an ultrasound. I dunno... So they're gonna moniter that. The doctor asked me if I wanted the surgery for my tummy. But if they do it this time, they have to make a fresh incision right down the middle of my tummy. And its a big surgery. I'm not quite ready for that right now so we're sitting on it. All in all, I'm glad to be home. I have too much to catch up on and there's the exhaustion. I'm just so so worn out that I can't even begin to think of schoolwork right now. Doesn't help that I'm smack in the middle of it all. Thats it for now UPDATE: 7-7-05 Hey guys!! Greetings from Virginia! We arrived at the Embassy Suites yesterday. Drove here with Heather and her mom. Summer Chill kicks off at 7pm tonight. lol... I wonder who else is here already. :) My 4th of July didn't really go the way I had planned. My tummy was in horrible pain and we spent most of the late afternoon and the night in the ER at Baystate Medical Centre. That was awful! And I have bruises to show for the pokes. Yuck... But they gave me pain meds and anti nausea meds and things are a little better now! :) Lets hope it stays that way. *Fingers crossed* I couldn't keep food or water down so I was dehydrated on top of everything. Gonna see the doctor today. Gotta admit that it is definately a little scary! Don't ask me why... but lets hope for some anwsers. That will really help loads! Thats it for now... take care guys... and a shout out to everyone arriving here for the chill UPDATE: 7-1-05 Hey hey! I got my build-a-bear!! Amd I love it to pieces. lol... It was totally fun going to the store and picking everything out. Gotta admit that I did feel rather old among all the kids there... Haha! But oh well, when is anyone ever too old for a teddy bear? *smile* Oh well, all that aside, I haven't been up to very much. Started studying intensively for the LSATs. I really wanna score well on that and you basically get 1 chance to do it and do it right. lol... Some of the questions are positively mind boggling and I feel all twisted and mixed up now! lol... Ok... thats all I have for now. Couple of days left to the DYNA Summer Chill! :) UPDATE: 6-23-05 Hey guys! I'm so sorry! Time just flies when you're here! I've been busy trying to help around the house when I can. Haven't been feeling too great so I've been resting some which is why I'm not online too often. Not being used to this computer is another reason. I'm amazed that you guys keep checking on me. Thanks so much! Got an appointment to see a doctor July 7th and I hope that he will have some answers to whats been going on. Its really trying to feel awful and not have medicines or anything that is gonna help. We have a sneaky suspicion that one of my diagnosis might be wrong. So I guess I'll find out then. Kinda exciting yet scary at the same time. You know what I mean? Hmmm... what else... I can't wait for the DYNA summer chill! To everyone who is going, see you guys then! That is definately 1 big highlight of this trip. Ok... thats all for now, seeya guys, and hey, email me or whatever anytime! UPDATE: 6-7-05 Hey guys! Sorry for the long silence! I've just been doing lots of stuff over here. Keeping myself busy. :) Got to go to the mall yesterday and I had a blast!! Shopping + Joanne = Heavenly!! lol... I just shopped and shopped and shopped and even forgot about lunch! By the time I noticed that my tummy was growling, it was way past lunchtime. lol... Walked past the build-a-bear workshop. But by that time, my hands were so full that I couldn't go in to look around so I guess I'll just hafta go back there. Looks super cool though! I'm determined that I'll get 1 before I leave this country!! lol... Nothing else much going on. Normal everyday stuff. I'm hurting pretty bad though so thats the only sucky thing. Partly cos I walked too much yesterday. It was the excitement of seeing all those shops! lol... Even toys R us looked like the most wonderful place ever! lol... Ok... I'm starting to sound like a bimbo here... Well, thats all for now... soooooo... seeya all! And if anyone wants to meet up, call, whatever... just drop me an email and we'll rig something up yah? Seeya!!! UPDATE: 5-14-05 Hey guys! Oh dear... I'm so so sorry for the lack of updates! Thats what happens when you're on holiday! You just don't get on the computer very much! Plus the fact that I'm not on my laptop makes my computer sessions extreamly short. lol... I'm COLD right now! lol... it was boiling HOT back home! But I'm not complaining. I'll just get under my nice warm blanket in a min and I'll be good to go. :) It hasn't been too great pain wise, probably because of the weather so most of my time has actually been spent on the couch curled up under the blanket. Just figured out how to get the web messenger to work so I'm toying with that now. :) My joints just hurt so bad! Like it hurts to type right now. The other day, I couldn't get the cover off the carton of milk. I felt pretty silly. Gotta find out why its like this cos it bugs me big time. Tummy is hurting... but whats new?? lol... Thats it for now... I'm off to get warm! *shiver* Take care all of you!!!! UPDATE: 5-8-05 Hey guys!! Hello!!! Sorry it took so long for me to write!! I've been just pooped! It was quite an adventure getting here! First, my plane got delayed for 6 hours so I took a nap at the airport in Malaysia! lol... When I finally got to Newark, I had missed the connecting flight so the airline put me up at a hotel for the night. Well, no complains about the hotel... *cheeky grin* Then back to the airport in the morning only to find out that the SILLY airline did not pay for the new plane ticket! I almost got stuck at new york! My dad said to just pay for it first and we'll kick up a fuss later. By the time I got here, i was tired and about ready to collaspe. lol... Very very relieved too! Its chilly here compared to back home, but I have no complains. And the thought of no doctors for like 3 whole months... is just AWESOME!!! I could do a dance!!! My tummy is hurting some... but nothing too nasty I guess. No puking or anything. *cross fingers* Okie... thats the update for now... I need to nap! I'm just super super tired after the journey! Think its gonna take a while... Take care guys!! Hope you're all hangin in there!! UPDATE: 5-1-05 Hey guys... This is gonna be my last entry from the sunny island of Singapore! lol... and its gonna be a short one too... I leave the house in about 4 hours so preparations here are pretty insane and I'm tired! lol... So much to remember and the bag almost couldn't close! All my meds are in my carry on bag in case of emergency. Please please pray that nothing will crop up?? lol... Can't afford to like faint in the airport or anything like that! Okie... I really have to run now and at least try to catch some sleep!! even if its a pathetic 4 hrs! Seeya all! Btw... for people meeting me... there's a homemade Singapore video waiting for you! lol... UPDATE: 4-27-05 Hey guys! Well, time sure has flown by this week! Spent most of it trying to get stuff ready for my trip and making sure that I didn't miss out on presents for anyone that I'd be meeting! lol... Getting more excited as the days go by! I've gotten lots of questions in the guestbook about where I'm going so I'll tell you guys again! lol... I'll be landing in Newark, then catching a flight to Bradly International in CT. Then my grandparents will pick me up and we'll go to their place which is in West Springfield, MA. I have a summer camp in Dulles, VA in July. :) Thats about it for now... so if anyone lives around the area and you wanna meet up, just let me know!! Can't wait to meet as many people as I can! :) I'll be in ths usa for 3 months so that gives you plenty of time. And I do have a special request... does anyone live around Newark airport? I have like 8 hours to kill on the way back with no idea of what to do! *groan* Been feeling really tired and worn out of late. Maybe its because of all the preparations and everything. Its my Dad's birthday today so we're off for a steak dinner in a bit. Yummy!! I got a BEAUTIFUL bracelet from Shannon! That gal is such a sweetie. lol... It got me all perked up and chirpy! :) I made a quilt for my Grandma and I can't wait to give it to her! Its not very good though... I'm terrible at stuff like that! Maybe I should stick to no-sew fleece blankets huh? :) My tummy has been acting up a little, hurting and stuff. And it makes me throw up too. Its not a very good feeling. I try to stop myself from throwing up, but sometimes, you just can't. Wish there could be something which could control that good... Joints are still a major bother which is why I'm a little worried about the 28+ hr journey. Its gonna hurt! lol... Oh well, no pleasure without pain huh? *cheeky grin* Okie... I should sign off here. Would you believe I'm typing this in SCHOOL while waiting for Joelle to be done with tution?!? And to think its the hols... lol... Thanks for coming by guys! Do SIGN MY GUESTBOOK??? Thank you!!! UPDATE: 4-24-05 Went to see the cardiologist on Friday and he told me that he didn't know what to do with me. He took me off all the meds that I was on cos they weren't helping, so no point in taking them. He's at a lost. I felt my heart just drop to the ground! Its an awful feeling to hear your doctor say that! Now the only hope I have left is this trip to the states. Please please let the doctor be able to help me! I don't want to go fainting everywhere and get funky heartbeats! Its very scary and its kinda dangerous cos you never know when it will happen! On a better note, I went out with my friends yesterday! We went to the beach at Sentosa and had a BLAST. Nothing too vigorous. lol... Think we're getting old! Just good 'ole relaxation, soaking in the sun and sand. Had a good dinner at Burger King and watched the musical fountain with the fireballs again! :) Felt like such a good day. Just completely relaxed, with not a care in the world! :) Starting to work on the musical for my church now and I'm trying to relearn how to use the cakewalk home studio cos I seem to have forgotten! lol... Have to relearn by reading the help file. lol... We're trying to get the songs arranged and I gotta admit... I'm a total newbie at this! *grin* UPDATE: 4-10-05 Hey guys... I'm really not feeling good at all. I feel like I'm ready to throw up and my head hurts lots. No idea why I feel like this but its awful. Today when I was playing for church, everything was going in circles and it was all I could do to just keep on playing. Thank God for his leading cos I was feeling so bad that I couldn't focus on anything and had no idea where I was playing or what I was doing. Please pray that I'll feel better soon? Exams are this week and I really need the strength. Just to make it through this week. Talking about exams, I think I have to write to my lecturers or something, but I don't quite know what to say. You see, my fingers are really hurting like the rest of my joints. I have 2 essay papers with lots to write and I don't think I'll be able to with my fingers hurting the way it is. Maybe they'll let me type or something. This is just awful. What on earth is going on with me?? I wish I knew! I wish there was some medicine I could take that would help me feel better. I've taken everything that I can take and I took a long rest this afternoon so hopefully after this, I'll be able to continue studying. Its just not easy coping with having health problems and going on with school. School just has no time to wait for you and neither does life. It just goes on and you either force yourself to keep up with it or you fall behind. I always say that having chronic illnesses is not gonna stop me from doing what I wanna do in life. I may take a little longer than everyone else, but I will get there. The problem is that over here, no one is able to grant you that "little longer". You keep up or you just lose. There's no way around that. And yes, it does suck. Working with people like lecturers and school personalities who have never had a chronic illness doesn't help. I guess you can never fully understand until you walk a day on our shoes. And there's no one on your side here who truly understands and who is in an authority to talk to these people. When you tell teachers and stuff and try to get accomodations, it tends to give people the impression that you are "using" your illness as a means of sympathy and of taking the easy way out. But that is not it at all. Its just that sometimes there are things that we cannot do and we have to accept that. But people around you who don't understand are not willing to accept the fact that you have a problem. Its like the case of Finance. Honestly, I think my lecturer believes that I probably have not gotten enough practice or maybe its an understanding problem. But thats not it at all. These past couple of weeks, I've done nothing but Finance. From morning to night. I daresay I understand practically every concept in those chapters that are gonna be tested. And yet, I can bet you that despite all the practice I've done at home, when I sit down with that paper, I'm gonna have a hard time just figuring out what the question is even asking me to do. When I finally understand, I'm going to have problems understanding where the numbers fit into the story. When you tell people, they say "OH, you are not the only student having problems with Finance" But this kinda problem is DIFFERENT! And NO ONE seems to understand that! And it FRUSTRATES me cos there is no one to help me explain to these people WHY I'm having problems! On the day of the exam. I may have just had a horrible episode of my heart going funky and that makes you so tired that you can barely keep your eyes open, let alone think. After sitting down for a couple of minutes, my entire body will start to hurt and ache. My tummy acts up throughout the course of a day. It has no respect for exams or anything else more important. And the whole thing is... I'm NOT STUPID! I think I'm of at least the same amount of intelligence as the other students in the class and yet, it is so much more of a struggle just trying to sit for the paper. Other kids struggle trying to answer questions, trying to remember concepts. I sit there just trying to keep my mind focused cos its in a fog! You know, there has to be SOMEWAY and SOMETHING that can help kids like me. Maybe splitting up the exam into